


Unbent, Unbroken

by lwielaura



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Civil War, I'M IN HELL, M/M, Prompt Fic, Redemption, Steve Feels, Tony Feels, civil war spoilers, i hate that movie, i kinda fixed it, please, steve really tries to fix the shit he most certainly had done, this is so complicated ok, tony is not over it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 11:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6802759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwielaura/pseuds/lwielaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...why don’t we ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU DESTROYED EVERYTHING BECAUSE YES, YOU WROTE A SHITTY LETTER AND LEFT YOUR NUMBER BUT YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT SHIT, ROGERS, AND NOW YOU COME BACK AND EXPECT ME TO COME BACK TO YOU AFTER ALL YOU’VE DONE, AFTER I FINALLY MANAGED TO LIVE WITH ALL THAT SHIT?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unbent, Unbroken

**Author's Note:**

> based on a prompt i've got   
> s it wrong for mwe to ask for a fic where steve and barnes come back to the avengers compound and sure things are heated between all but for the first time Steve can see what he did in pursuit of barnes? like Tony is all civil with him but won't look at him in the same way. like tony won't even consider him good friends just acquaintance ?and that Tony's relationship with Nat just gets better.and Steve has to apologise for something much worse than the war .  
> i want steve to feel remorse. i want him to suffer when he sees tony looking at somebody else like he'd go to moon and back for them. i want tony to recover and be happy without steve for some time and then eventual stony
> 
> prompt me stuff on my tumblr:  
> http://allhailtchalla.tumblr.com/

It was like always except for it wasn’t.  
If Steve had known what would expect him, he would have tried to prepare himself, would have done anything, although he had no idea what he was supposed to do, just… not that.  
So when there was something they would consider superhero business since another lunatic tried to invade the east coast once again, he and his fellow friends had followed that call for help. It still felt weird, even a year after the things he refused to think about, to go for a battle not as Avengers but as people who tried to make the world better, always at risk to be taken as criminals, to cause damage and get caught, but they did it because it was the right thing to do and Steve had never felt the need to make something right again as he did now.  
So no, he was totally not prepared to suddenly see a flash of red and gold and he was so sure that his mind had betrayed him because he ached to believe that it was real, but this was over, this was –  
“Hell of a party here.” A voice through comm let him jump and if Bucky next to him hadn’t grabbed his shield and used it to protect them against the sudden explosives, he would have been probably dead. Instead he ignored his best friend’s weird glance and looked around.  
“About time, Stark.” Natasha snarled and Steve suddenly felt his breath falter, his body went numb and heavy and he had a prickling sensation in his right hand and if he wouldn’t know himself and his body better, he would have thought he would be having a heart attack.  
“Well, excuse me, you invited me to your villain bash like five minutes ago, give a man a break.”  
“Tony?” Steve managed suddenly, not even aware of his lips moving, he just stood there in the middle of the battle field, star struck while Bucky punched his way through the enemies, saving his life while he just stood here, just stayed here, just…  
“Oh, hello, Captain Rogers.” And the sound of that made him ignore the sudden thing that came closer in an alarming speed, that headed directly for his head, that hit him hard and made his vision blur until the last thing he heard was the echoing and cold “Captain Rogers” in his head. 

“I think he’s waking up.” He heard Bucky’s voice from far far away during the dizzy haze his mind occupied.  
“Give him some space, you’re all over his face.” Sam replied and it was true, the first thing he saw was the grey of his best friend’s eyes just inches away from his.  
“What…” he mumbled and sat up straight, still not able to identify his surroundings or to recall what had happened before he passed out.  
“Hello, sleeping beauty.” Natasha purred and approached him, a glass of water in her hands and he took it gratefully, gulping it in one sip. It was all right, he thought, he was at home and he smiled weakly, still concussed and tired but surrounded by his friends and save in his room and – OH.  
The smile dropped from his face the second he thought about it. He wasn’t at home. He wasn’t in his room. Not anymore. That was the Avengers headquarter, the one in the Stark tower, the one that Tony built – Tony!  
The panic in his eyes seemed to have given him away because suddenly Sam’s hand grabbed his shoulder reassuringly and Bucky cleared his throat and Natasha looked calculating again.  
“I had to call him in.” she informed him briefly. “This was a mess, we needed someone good with tech and he is reliable.”  
“Natasha, we shouldn’t –“  
“He saved your life.”  
“He did what?”  
“He did.” Sam agreed, looking uncomfortable and terribly out of place. “Almost died himself, letting a building crushing him, but you know how he –“ he stopped midsentence, tipping his nose with one finger before he crossed his arms remained silent.  
Steve swallowed hard. “Is he – “  
“Business meeting right now. By the way, we shouldn’t have interfered. Once again, we broke the law. But Stark said Legal will deal with it and until then we’re free to stay here, for our own safety.”  
The captain closed his eyes and took a deep breath, absolutely aware of how little he deserved this. 

Tony came home late this evening and Steve, who had been knocked out the whole day, was the only one who was still awake. He dreaded meeting him, was terrified to look into his eyes after all that had happened and to have the audacity to say thank you, but he had to, he was, god, he panicked as he heard the front door open and his heart began to race.  
A few seconds later he heard footsteps approaching.  
“Friday, please heat up a little, it’s terribly cold in here, isn’t it? And cancel my 9 o’clock tomorrow, Daddy needs to sleep in and oh – “  
He had reached the kitchen and spotted Steve sitting there, tensed up and in urgent need of oxygen his body denied him.  
For a moment their eyes met and there was a flicker in Tony’s brown but it was gone too soon to actually see it and Steve waited for something, for him to yell or scream or hit him, he deserved anything, but Tony just smiled and that probably hurt the most because it was his Mr Stark smile the media loved, the fake and practiced one he hadn’t seen since they had become friends years ago.  
“Captain, how are you doing?” he asked casually but Steve couldn’t help but notice how he avoided looking him in the eyes.  
“Uhm… I’m fine, I guess.” He replied and his mouth was so dry that he was surprised he could actually speak.  
There was silence between them while Tony just walked towards his coffee machine, pressing some buttons and pouring his coffee.  
“Tony, listen –“  
“I’ve got to go.” He interrupted and headed to his workshop, leaving Steve behind who burrowed his face into his hands. 

They had breakfast in silence, neither him nor Bucky nor Sam had something to say or were comfortable enough to say something because they didn’t belong and suddenly Tony appeared and Steve tensed so hard the glass in his hand shattered and Sam’s face fell when he saw Rhodey, the genius’ arm around his waist, leading him to the breakfast table and they were chatting happily and laughing despite the weird machinery around the soldier’s broken legs and he let himself fall onto the table and Tony put a coffee and cornflakes in front of him like it was natural, like it was routine.  
“Morning.” Tony said without looking around, his eyes were fixed on Rhodey, watched every move and there was such an honest concern and tenderness hidden in them, it hurt because the sudden awareness that it was the same glance Tony had shot him just a year ago and the knowledge that he would never ever see it again broke him into a thousand little pieces and his blood froze and he felt like he had just swallowed the shatters of his glass.  
“Stop mothering me, Stank, I swear.” Rhodey munched between two bites and used his free leg to kick him but Tony escaped and grinned and it was nothing compared to the smile Steve got yesterday.  
“What, this is all you’ve got?”  
“I’m still kicking your ass, believe me.”  
“Sure you do, honey. I’ve got a meeting in a few. Don’t forget your workout today.”  
“But Mom…”  
“No.”  
And they giggled and Steve made himself as small as he could because he didn’t belong here, he had caused all the pain and being thrown into the happiness, to Tony going on without him… it was beautiful and painful at once and he was pretty sure he couldn’t stand it.  
Quickly he excused himself, almost throwing his chair over as he jumped to his feet.  
“Legal called, they will take care of everything.” Tony called after him but his voice was so distant and different and it reminded him that he wasn’t part of his life anymore, part of the life of the man he called best friend not so long ago and as soon as he reached his room, he broke down on his room’s wall. 

The thing was, he would have appreciated everything. He really wished Tony would do anything, he wanted to be yelled at and wanted him to hit him, to show that Tony remembered, that he cared but nothing like this happened and it drove Steve so mad he couldn’t do anything except for sitting it out and every time Tony went to his workshop Steve was about to follow him and accompany him, like he always did, but then again he remembered star struck, something heavy in his chest and all he wanted to do was scream.  
Bucky often sat with him and he often had the feeling he wanted to say something but Steve always threw him a glance that made him hesitate and he was glad about that because he didn’t want to hear anything about that, didn’t want to listen, he just wanted this to be over and Bucky looked just as miserable as he felt.  
So when they saw the footage of their last battle and he saw Tony, saving his life and risking his own in return Steve had said as a reflex: “That was very unreasonable, you could’ve died.” In an angry voice before he realized and had looked up and once again their eyes met and once again there was a flicker of a past in his brown but it was gone once again and for just a second Steve was sure that this was going to be like the early days, that Tony would justify himself and babble and get angry and they would end up in a heated discussion that usually ended in a reassuring hug, but Tony just said: “You are right, Captain, I apologize.” Before he grabbed Rhodey and they left the room and Steve felt like he was punched in the gut and ignored Natasha, who stared at him knowingly. 

It took him almost a week until the realization that they weren’t friends anymore finally hit him.  
It was when he opened his drawer where he used to put his drawing utensils he kind of needed right now and found the telephone he had left Tony, to call him whenever he needed him, a thick layer of dust on it.  
He spent one hour to fight the urge not to cry until he finally gave in. 

When he entered the communal area he found Tony, Rhodey and Natasha snickering on the couch and his first reflex was to ask what was going on and to join them, but once again he remembered, straightened his shoulders , gulped and passed them without so much as looking at them.  
Rhodey and Tony fell silent immediately, looking at him like they always did these days, and they nodded, Tony muttering “Captain.” And Steve nodded back, his knees shaking, and headed towards the kitchen, before he heard another round of laughter. He went for a walk and ended with 15k, not feeling better afterwards. 

Rhodey fell a week later.  
They were sitting in the living room, one person of Stark Legal talking to them about options and consequences of their actions and Steve was so angry with them and the whole situation he could barely listen, when Rhodey crossed the room, chatting happily on the phone.  
But in a matter of seconds one of his legs seemed to give in and he yelped, falling face forward, hissing in pain as he grabbed his knee and they all already jumped on their feet when Tony ran into the door, talking to Friday quick and panicky, before he reached Rhodey, grabbing his shoulder and asked what happened.  
As Steve reached them, he looked up and finally there was it, anger and hatred and it hit Steve completely off guard and unexpected and Tony yelled: “Go away, you did enough, leave him alone.” Before he dragged Rhodey onto his feet and half carried him away, leaving him behind numb and biting his lips until he tasted blood and he could hardly feel the hand grabbing his shoulder at this moment. 

It was like nothing happened afterwards. Tony didn’t do much, he didn’t notice him at all actually.  
Except for the occasionally greeting and farewells he didn’t even as much as looked at him.  
Steve felt the guilt growing day by day and he wanted to escape, wanted to go away but he wanted to make everything right again the same time and how was he supposed to do this, to regain the trust he had thrown away, how was he supposed to even start to apologize when there was so much he was sorry for, how could he start making things right when there was too much broken?  
He just couldn’t.  
But seeing Tony being happy on the one hand, but catching him staring blankly against a wall or picking up a drink when the last time they spent together he had quit, was something that reminded him of the damage done. 

“You stopped drinking the last time I saw you.” he had slipped one day and froze.  
Tony eyed him suspiciously. “Yeah, people change, don’t they?”

He sat on the table, staring at a book without as much as reading it. He was too distracted watching Tony and Natasha playing chess in the corner of his eye. He heard the brunette’s corny jokes, he heard Natasha laughing or biting back, he heard them bringing each other down and teasing and laughing like it was the thing to do and when Tony got up because he had to pick up Rhodey, Natasha met his longing glance and she shrugged: “We talked, you know?” 

There were a lot of chances to apologize, Steve had to admit.  
He had caught Tony when he was up early, ready for a business meeting but Tony always phoned someone and remained with that disgustingly fake smile he shot him, he had met him in the evening, emerging from his workshop but he was either drunk or just nodded at him on nights like these, leaving him behind, there were situations they had talked about the actions Stark Legal was about to do and he had said “thank you” and Tony had always shrugged it off and looked at him and it was like he was expecting something but Steve always lost courage at these moments, physically fleeing from the situation. He was ready to apologize for the war. He wasn’t ready to apologize for everything else he had caused because that would mean that he had to admit everything and right now, even denial was too painful.

The worst was probably seeing Sam and Rhodey together from now on. One night he had wanted to go to the kitchen to get himself a tea in one of his insomniac rants but had stopped dead as he heard them talking in there.  
From this day on it wasn’t unusual to see them together, Sam helping Rhodey when he found his limits, laughing when Rhodey felt like he was treated like a little baby and joking together.  
But Tony was what made it so unbearable. After he had eyed the falcon suspiciously and disapprovingly in the beginning, Rhodey had signalized him a few times: “It is ok.” And eventually Tony looked at Sam again, smiled at him more openly and although he could still actually feel the suspicion filling the air, he let his friend pass and Steve stared at him and there was nothing he wanted more than to belong, to turn back time and make things right again because he was never so painfully reminded of what he had lost.  
Already once in his life he had lost everything, his friends and family. This, he was sure, was the second time, and it didn’t hurt any less. 

Legal announced that they would need just a few more days to at least make it not dangerous for them to leave the body and Steve knew he should feel relieved but he didn’t want to leave at all.  
“Can we talk?” He blurred unintentionally as Tony passed him, ready to go for his workshop, and the smaller one stopped a brief moment, before he turned around and nodded.  
“I know it’s a bit confusing –“ he opened and Steve followed him hastily, his head full of things he wanted to say but he had no idea how to say them. “Legal is trying their best to get all their yadda yadda to minimum but it’s kinda hard to follow them. You and your little crew should be ready to depart in a few, though.” Tony continued, entering his workshop and Steve just wanted to sit down and draw and wanted Tony to babble and explain what he was doing or joking with him but thinking about that was like thinking about another person, like a young brother he had lost but not himself.  
“So, any questions or what’s the matter, Captain Rogers?” Tony asked and he looked up to him, not directly, it seemed like his eyes were fixed onto a point right over him and Steve closed his eyes and felt like collapsing any time soon.  
“Tony…” he started and he could hear the other one sigh and still didn’t dare to look up.  
“Would that be all, Captain?” He croaked after a while and Steve physically flinched at that sound, bit his lips before he thought ‘Screw it’ and he heard himself saying: “I am sorry.” And Tony stared at him, his hand grabbing a chair and he saw it trembling a bit and he knew from old times that this happened when his PTSD struck, he still knew so much, he still wanted to be here, this wasn’t over, it couldn’t be.  
“You and your friend weren’t any trouble, no problem, Captain. See it as a favor between colleagues, ok?”  
It was probably the word “Colleagues” that brought Steve to life because he felt himself grabbing anything from the table before him and throwing it at the wall and saw Tony jumping, ducking a bit as if he was afraid that Steve would hurt him and he remembered the moment his shield has hovered just inched away from the brunette’s face and he had seen the panic in Tony’s eyes but also the acceptance to die, the acceptance of the idea that Steve would kill him and Jesus, what had he done?  
“I am sorry, Tony, please believe me, all of this” he gestured vaguely “this isn’t supposed to be. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, please, just let me…” he stopped as he saw the murderous look on the other man’s face and swallowed hard, ready to take whatever would come now.  
“Get out.” He commanded and his voice was dead calm.  
Steve mumbled: “Tony, please, I am sorry.”  
“You are sorry?” he asked and his expression sent a shiver down Steve’s spine.  
“Well, if you’re sorry, why don’t we forget the whole thing?” Steve blinked as Tony approached him, breathing heavily and still that look on his face. “Why don’t we forget that you are responsible for almost killing Rhodey, handicapping him his whole live, why don’t we forget you keeping secrets of my past in front of me and expecting honesty when it comes to me, why don’t we forget everything you did, why don’t we ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU DESTROYED EVERYTHING BECAUSE YES, YOU WROTE A SHITTY LETTER AND LEFT YOUR NUMBER BUT YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT SHIT, ROGERS, AND NOW YOU COME BACK AND EXPECT ME TO COME BACK TO YOU AFTER ALL YOU’VE DONE, AFTER I FINALLY MANAGED TO LIVE WITH ALL THAT SHIT?”  
“Tony…” Steve tried, biting back the tears because Tony was right, he was so right and he didn’t deserve redemption, he should have known better to say sorry because sorry was shit against what he had done.  
“GET OUT. AND –“ he grabbed behind him and took the letter out of the drawer in his desk, throwing it at Steve: “TAKE THAT WITH YOU. YOU’LL LEAVE AS SOON AS EVERYTHING IS OVER. YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE, NOW I MAKE MINE. GET! OUT!”  
And Steve stumbled backwards, almost ran into the wall and sprinted into his room before he lost it, before his vision blurred and he screamed and ripped that damn letter apart because he knew this fight was over.

The next time he saw Tony he was in the kitchen with Rhodey and he hugged him like he had never seen anyone hug Tony and suddenly he knew how much he must have needed that, what his ex-friend went through in his life and Steve had just contributed to make it more miserable instead of being the one to hold him and he would never ever forgive himself for that. 

“Almost done, huh?” Sam muttered next to him a few days later while Steve tried to not fall apart at the hysterical laughter of Rhodey when Natasha defeated Tony in a round of Mario Kart.  
Instead, he just nodded. 

“I always loved him, you know?” he confessed one night to Bucky, who accompanied him in his room since they knew best how the other one felt. Bucky didn’t even look surprise, just sad and so sorry.  
“I know.” He mumbled and pulled Steve in a hug and he sobbed. 

So the day came that they were about to leave and Steve died because he wasn’t prepared to leave that behind again, wasn’t ready to go because he knew he would never see Tony Stark in his life again and this just killed him and his heart shattered into a million pieces, ripping everything inside of him apart and he saw Sam hugging Rhodey and after a brief moment of hesitation even Tony, and saw Natasha laughing with them and he just stood there, staring at them longingly and he desired to be there, to stay, to make everything undone, but he just couldn’t and if his life would stay like this, he wasn’t sure how long he would make it. But he saw Rhodey, nudging Tony with his elbow and Tony tensed and stared at him and Rhodey nodded and he sighed, clapping Sam on the shoulder for a long time before he approached Steve who totally forgot how to breathe or do anything besides staring, his whole body numb and Tony swallowed hard before he hold a hand towards him, mumbling something like: “So long, Captain.” And Steve stared at it and then to Tony and there was it again, that flicker and he finally understood, finally saw the glimpse of the past, saw a hint of the affection and the story they shared and that not everything was forgotten and maybe he was so overwhelmed by that that he just clapped away Tony’s hand and took his face into his hands before he kissed the rough lips and Tony, caught in a moment of surprise, kissed back and it felt like home and right and complete but the hands that pushed him away dragged him back into reality and he stared into the brown of Tony’s eyes and there was nothing but pain and disbelieve and it was probably the most hurt he had seen the man since he arrived here and he saw Bucky clearing his throat and Sam groaning, burrowing his hands into his face and Rhodey, staring at him in a mixture of disbelief and disgust and Natasha, lips a bit parted and eyes squinted, before she dragged the rest of them out of the room, leaving them behind.  
“You can’t be fucking serious.” Tony barked after a while, hands still in the air in defense.  
“Look, Tony, I didn’t mean to… This is not fair. I love you and I know you made your call but I can’t go without you understanding how sorry I am, no matter if you forgive me or not.”  
“You…” Tony choked and Steve felt his heart ache as he saw tears in the other men’s eyes. “You love me?”  
“Always did.” Steve answered with the smallest hint of a smile that was replaced by a look full of terror as Tony grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the table and threw it against the wall, where it shattered and the brown liquid just spread over the floor, and his knees gave in and suddenly he grabbed the sofa, half kneeling on the floor and Steve opened his mouth to say something, to fix the broken figure in front of him but he couldn’t find the words.  
“Then why, Steve?” he sobbed and it sounded so honestly broken that Steve just had to kneel next to him, grabbing his shoulder firm, hesitating as he saw him wince a bit. He was so sure Tony was well, he had seemed so pulled together, so happy altogether, but now he knew better.  
“I had a million reasons but I regret every one of them since it brought us here. I know there was I way I didn’t choose, the hard but fair one. I… God, Tony, I am so sorry, please forgive me. I never wanted for this to happen.”  
And Tony grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer and into another kiss and Steve closed his eyes and let it happen because he craved this, this was everything he wanted and if it wouldn’t last, he would make the best out of it.  
“I can’t forgive you, you know.” Tony whispered as they let go, still holding each other close and Steve felt Tony’s heart beat as quick as his own, inhaling the scent deeply.  
“I know.” Steve muttered and it hurt, but it was a bittersweet pain.  
“I can’t trust you… yet.” Tony continued, tightening his grip around his collar.  
“I know.” Steve hummed and he felt Tony’s hot breath stroking his face and he shivered.  
“I love you.” he ended and Steve felt a little sob finding its way and he managed a small smile as he heard the words, whispered but there.  
“I can work with that.” He assured and pulled the other man closer.

“Do you trust me?” Steve asked a year after that in the battle. It was an ill thought out utterance and he didn’t think twice until the words had escaped his lips.  
He had addressed Tony, his Tony, his teammate and friend and boyfriend, and it was actually just mission related, but he could actually feel the tension filling the air right now, how his heart skipped a few beats.  
“I do.” Tony answered after the briefest moment of hesitation and Steve smiled despite the battle they fought.  
“Let’s bail.”


End file.
